When the ending isn't what you hoped

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. – 2 Timothy 4:7

I know that when you’re facing the fiery furnace (Daniel 3) there are three options: 1. God saves you from it. 2. God takes you through it. 3. God takes you from it. And when faced with those options you have two choices: 1. Stand in faith, and believe that God is good no matter what he does. 2. Melt under the pressure, alone.

I have spent the last several weeks standing at the door of the fiery furnace, praying that God would save me from it, but knowing he might not. (It only felt like I was in the fire before; I now realize I was just standing at the door. The fire came when the miracle didn't, and I realized we were going to walk through it instead of be saved from it.)  And now that I know we’re about to step into the furnace, it’s time to walk the talk and believe with all my heart that he is still good.  It’s time to face the people I stared in the face and proclaimed a miracle and say, “not this time - but I know he could have and even though he didn't, he is still good.”

Here is the thing: You either believe in all of the God of the Bible, or you don’t believe in him at all.

Believing in all of God means that you believe for the miracle when everything else says it’s impossible. It means walking with hope before you give in to disappointment. It means stretching yourself to leave space for God to work. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s a definite no if you don’t even give him the room to move.

I believe too often these days we succumb to the perspective of the world, and we forget that we serve the Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 1:8).  The God of the Bible is capable of things beyond what we can think or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). He has proven this with miracles, healings, raising those from the dead – not just in the Bible (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts), but in ministries around the world today. He fought against his people’s enemies and defeated them in one night (2 Kings 19:32-36). He has risen judges and prophets to lead his people back to safety (Judges, Jonah, Daniel, Isaiah, Habakkuk are just a few of my favorites). He has provided food (Exodus 16, Matthew 14:13-21, Matthew 15:32-39), protection (2 Samuel 22), and guidance (Exodus 13:17-22). He has told the past and the future (Genesis, Daniel, Isaiah). He created everything in the beginning (Genesis 1-2) and will finish everything to complete redemption in the end (Revelation).

And yet, so many proclaiming a faith in Christ believe in SOME of the God of the Bible and not all of him. Why, when we get news from doctors, do we not stop and petition the God of the Bible with requests for things like healing? Why do we say we have faith, until it comes time to walk in that faith? We believe what the world can prove without considering what God has done.

My truth is this…

Weeks of prayers asking for healing, restoration, and a miracle have not been answered despite the overwhelming amount of faith I carried in God to do it, and we lost our baby girl. I will not say that I didn’t spend some time angry, questioning God, questioning what I heard from him, telling him this felt like torture to walk in faith for something he wasn’t going to do (yes, I somewhat accused God of torture – it was a weak moment), asking why he didn’t give me the mercy I had asked for.

I’m human. I can only see my side of things and in this instance, it was through a wall of loss and hurt and pain and disappointment deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So, I was angry for a minute (or a few). My husband and I passed the “whys” back and forth for about 30 minutes as we sat waiting for the doctor but already knowing what we saw on the screen without needing explanation. (When you’ve had as many sonograms as I’ve had in 9 weeks, you get good at knowing what you’re looking for; God bless the doctor that didn’t treat me like a lunatic because at each one I thought there would be a healthy, living baby.)  And even though I was angry in that moment on the surface, and I wanted to blame God for not showing up, and not being present, and for letting me believe something that wasn’t true – deep down I knew he was 1000% present in every second of the last several weeks. He was in the endless scripture that calmed my heart and reminded me who he was. He was in the hours of tears at his feet in prayer. He was in every rebuke of the enemy against thoughts of fear and doubt. He was in my husband’s arms every time he wrapped me up and let me cry. He never once left my side. He didn’t lie and he didn’t fail me…it just wasn’t the plan. Even though I don’t understand, he is still good.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. – Proverbs 3:5

I said in the very beginning, “if the only thing that comes out of all this tragedy is my testimony of faith, then I want to make sure I walk that well.” My heart is broken; I so wanted a different testimony for more than myself – because I wanted those around me to know without a doubt that God is BIG, and he is active in our lives to this very day if we just allow him to be involved. I wanted people to see how he can carry you through the troubled waters, and I wanted them to see that miracles weren’t just for the early church. Instead of that, I will settle for a picture of unwavering faith and pray that I did that one task justice.

Let me end with one thing that I want to make very clear: I do not believe that God is responsible for miscarriage.  Created beings were given free will from the very beginning; it’s why Lucifer was able to rebel against God in the first place and Eve was allowed to eat the fruit God told her to stay away from. We’re living in a world created by generations of choices, and sometimes we suffer the consequences of living in a fallen world. God does not want it, but he will allow it. I believe Satan uses these moments to attack our thoughts and create dissention between us and God; to doubt his goodness or his presence in our life or the promises we’ve been given. Our job is to hold on to the truth of God’s word, that he will work everything that happens to us into something good if we love him. (Romans 8:28) I long for the day that the Lord sets everything right, and our tears are wiped away and there is no more crying…until then, keep the faith. You’re a chosen child of God living in a broken, lost world - but he sees you every minute of every day. He is for you, and not against you. He will never forsake you.

He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away. – Revelation 21:3b-4  

If you are not a Christian, saved by grace, I want you to know that you have the same choice we all have - you can write off the Bible because you don't understand every little piece of the story. I also want you to know, faith in Jesus Christ does not provide all the answers, as evidenced by my current situation. There will always be the secret things that God keeps for himself - after all, how can it be faith at all if you have all the answers? For you, I pray specifically that God will soften your heart to at least consider the Bible (start with the passages referenced above) and open your mind to see the truths within it. I pray that you will know the peace that transcends all understanding in Jesus name.