I started this blog expecting to share my walk, though I never anticipated I’d be sharing something so deeply personal or tied to so many emotions for us and especially those around us. But the purpose of this blog is to help people walk with Christ – and in the tragedy of the last couple weeks, I have learned some things. Since we all suffer in some way or another, I hope by sharing this you’ll be encouraged when you’re standing in the fire.
August 23rd our lives changed forever. What should have been a routine prenatal checkup turned into a nightmare: 2 ultrasounds at 2 different places, and the same news we didn’t want to hear both times. But I hope, as time reveals God’s plan and power OR heals the wounds – whatever ends up being His will – this nightmare will also be a reminder of the time I stood in the fire and didn’t lose faith.
In full transparency, my first response was devastation – I was broken, I lost all hope. I bought into what everyone around me was telling me and there was no baby and no hope. I cried literally all night, barely even pretended to sleep, and mourned a loss. My second response, the next morning, began a very different walk through this. Something in me, bigger than me, started to break through with this comment to my husband: "I wish I didn't know He could save her."
But wait – he COULD save her. All I could think about was what God told me before she was ever born (you can read about that on Aug 13th's post). I remembered the day I realized that I thought we’d hear something terrible about our baby, and I made Bryant promise we’d believe God over ANY news we got. We’d prepared for a lot of situations – never this one…but how was this one different than any other? I think these excerpts from my journal explain it best…
Thursday, August 24:
"Take heart. Walk in faith. Believe me for her." That's what He said before she was ever conceived...and I did then and I am now - even in this moment where all seems lost, because I know the God I serve is in the miracle business and I desperately need a miracle. She was HIS idea first, not mine; He put the desire for her in my heart, and then He gave her to me. I had so much confidence in His promise that I anticipated there could be struggles along the way, but I never even considered He would promise her and then take her away before I ever got to hold her.
And even though 2 different doctors have confirmed she is too small, there is no heartbeat, and my hormones are dropping -because I know God, I can't make myself come to terms with that. Because I know when something feels crazy, it's usually God. Because I know I'll look like a lunatic when I claim His promise...but that's how it should be to the world, right? I can't count the number of times I've ministered to other women - if you don't leave space for God to work a miracle, you'll never get one. I'm leaving plenty of space in full surrender.
What do you do when the world presents you with a rational problem, but you know what your God is capable of? With one thought from Him this baby could be alive and well. He said to me, "believe me for her." And isn't this what faith is? Isn't this why so many believers succumb to the world's way of thinking? Because it just doesn't make sense, because this just happens in our fallen world, because maybe I didn't hear Him right...oh, but I did! I know I did, and He has confirmed it over and over.
I know He is good. I know He has a perfect plan and purpose. Most of all I know He is merciful; because of that I begged Him not to draw this out if He was really taking her from us. So every hour that ticks by and nothing happens, that faith grows a little bit more that maybe, just maybe, He'd grant us a miracle. And maybe I can sit here hoping instead of grieving, because doing both is tearing me apart.
Saturday, August 26:
Here is what God has taught me. I can't hedge my bet when it comes to faith.
Let me give you an example. God told us it would be a girl - but as we sent off the gender test, I allowed myself to believe just a little bit that it COULD be a boy so I wouldn't be as disappointed. I hedged my bet. But that is an action of my flesh. That is something I must learn to fight against. I must believe with my whole heart that what God has said is true. Right now, that is "walk in faith, believe me for her." Until He says otherwise, that is my truth. I'm not mourning or grieving what might be - and every time the enemy slips in and tries to take me there, I'm taking that thought captive. I will praise and worship my God. I will believe his word, both directly to me and in the Bible. He is a God of miracles. He is good. He loves me, I am his. Those who trust him will not be put to shame.
So when people ask me if I need anything - I need you to stand in agreement with the fact God can do a miracle, and right now we believe he IS. All praise to a God who we CAN believe for a miracle...even if it’s just the simple fact that it's a possibility.
That was the beginning. There were emotional highs and lows between those days and over every day since. I won’t say because I decided to stand in faith with God that things have been easy – no way, I am still human. There were many nights I wouldn’t go to sleep because I felt like I was wasting precious time with her. There were books I cried through, reading to her in faith that she could hear me. There was scripture after scripture that spoke of God’s miracles, how he hears us when we cry, how he delivered his people again and again. Every time I felt my emotions dip into despair, I turned to my Bible and started reading.
That next Tuesday, almost a week later, we had an appointment with another doctor. I ugly cried in her exam room when I learned she was a believer – it was the first medical professional that didn’t look at me like I was a complete lunatic when I told her we were waiting for a miracle.
But here is what I didn’t anticipate. I didn’t anticipate that God wouldn’t work that miracle BEFORE that appointment. So, when the same news – much gentler and with much more explanation about why – came back, I again started accepting what they were saying. We spent time talking about options and risks. It was odd that my body hadn’t already started the process, but not worrisome to her. She was comfortable with me waiting this out, if emotionally I could withstand it. We went home to think about it.
I have spent most of my life stepping in to handle things myself, particularly when I feel like God is taking too long. I like to think I’ve learned my lesson – and in my eyes this situation was no different. I didn’t know what God was going to do, or why he was doing it the way he was, but I was (and still am) determined not to take control of this situation. At the right time I, the Lord, will make it happen. (Isaiah 60:22) It’s on my bathroom mirror and it lit up across my brain every time I considered anything else. I believe that God will honor my faith and protect me as I walk this journey with him; I’m not alone in this.
Over the last week, it began to occur to me that this entire situation is steeped spiritual warfare - mentally, physically, spiritually. Saturday, after a REALLY bad Friday, I began praying in earnest against the enemy and claiming the promise God gave me, the blood of Jesus, the authority we have in Christ…all of it. Rather than only focus on believing God for a miracle, I changed my strategy to believe and attack.
I don’t know what will happen, but what I do know is this:
The Holy Spirit who resurrected Jesus Christ lives within me. The Holy Spirit that gave the disciples power to heal, cast out demons, and raise people from the dead lives in me. The blood of Jesus did more than save me from my sins (praise Him for that!), but it also gave me communion with the one and only Creator of all things – and He lives in me. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
I also know missed miscarriages usually present physically within 3-4 weeks of loss of heartbeat, and that’s the upper limit of waiting. As of now, based on the doctors, I am a few days away from my 6th week, and two weeks in to waiting on God with faith.
God is up to something, I know that for sure…
I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. – Psalm 16:8-11
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.” – Revelation 1:8
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. – Psalms 77:14
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