If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all. – Isaiah 7:9
I have to remind myself consistently that faith is a journey, not a task to be completed. This fact became glaringly obvious to me a few months ago.
If you have followed this blog, you know the story of our sweet Evelyn Joy (or Evie to me.) You can read about that journey here, here and here.
Through everything happening, I continued to say, “if the only thing that comes out of all this is my testimony of faith, then I want to make sure I walk that well.” And I did. I know I did. At least up to that point. But real faith is about unwavering perseverance.
No unbelief made him [Abraham] waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” – Romans 4:20-22
A key piece of every dream that God gave me was that each and every time, the baby was lost, and I had to find my way through varying obstacles to finally get to her. Initially, I thought that meant that God was going to save Evie and we’d be living in a real-life miracle. But I also knew if that didn’t happen, we’d be pregnant again…and for several months I just knew that God wasn’t finished. With the same unwavering faith I walked through Evie’s story, I walked into our future waiting on the child God promised and doing everything in my own power to be healthy and ready to receive that gift.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. – Mark 11:24
Until I just didn’t know that anymore. I gave up (rather quickly if I’m completely honest.) Outwardly, I chalked it up to my obvious misunderstanding, or the mysteries of God, or a lesson that would be uncovered eventually…but really, deep inside I just lost faith in what God had said. I just didn’t believe it anymore.
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen you brothers.” – Luke 22:31
I moved on with my life and shut off all the feelings I had of being a mother. I convinced myself that those desires God had so strongly placed in my heart were gone. I let that dream die and embraced my future empty nest with my husband.
A few months later…we were pregnant again.
I am ashamed of how we responded to that news. We told no one until it was necessary to tell family. (Apparently, I am not as good as I thought at hiding severe morning sickness from those that love me. 😉) We were not happy or excited, nor mad or angry – we were numb and disconnected. It was too hard to get excited, we knew how this ended. As my husband and I talked through these very big emotions, guilt-ridden at the stark contrast to how we had welcomed Evie into our world, God began speaking.
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” – John 21:15-17
He is a God of restoration and redemption. This was the plan all along, and He had even warned me about it ahead of time. He made a vocal promise to me – to walk in faith and believe Him for her – she would be coming. When push came to shove and the ending wasn’t what I wanted, instead of holding on to the promise from the God who never lies – I gave up.
The amount of guilt that I felt at the recognition of my failure was indescribable. I was humbled by scripture like Isaiah 7:9, James 1:6, Psalm 57:1-3, and 2 Corinthians 13:5; the stories like Abraham and Noah, whose faith never waivered no matter how long it took – I had failed God and I had failed the test.
But after that correction, he moved me on to John 21:15-17, and Jesus’ loving redemption of Peter after his three denials. No one is too far from redemption or restoration. No failed test will take me out of the hands of my loving Father…a failed test just becomes a lesson; a healthy dose of humility to keep me in line and one more tool in the belt for the next test.
But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation – if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.
– Colossians 1:22-23
We have crossed the halfway mark of what appears to be a healthy, beautiful baby girl on the way. I will be forever grateful to Evie for the lessons that she taught me. I always knew she’d have a big impact on this world, and even before her first breath she created a testimony of faith, humility, and restoration. I can’t wait to meet her in Heaven, but even more, I can’t wait to share her story with her sister – how someone so tiny could bring God so close.
I remain in awe at the mercy available to those who trust in Jesus Christ as their Savior. There is nothing we can do that God can’t take and use to show his presence, power, and glory in the world today. Past, present and future mistakes are never too far away from His redemption.
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